It’s been an honor to write up a little description about these stupid franchise films for the past few weeks, dear Reader, but we’re finally at the fireworks factory. Bill Condon follows up the body horror of Part 1’s vampire pregnancy with the body euphoria of Bella finally living her full undead life. Bitten and feeling so good, her hype at being stronger and faster than her husband – who is just as hyped to have his wife beat him at arm wrestling – is short-lived thanks to several factors. One, her baby’s apparently fated to date her friend Jacob the werewolf. Two, evil Italian vampires the Volturi want to kill the baby. Three, and this is more my problem than Bella’s, the baby is SCARY looking. Enjoy watching Renesmee do whatever it is half-vamp/half-human things do with Alamo Movie Party props like themed notebooks, pens, and tiny baby hands. – James Scott
